A look back

Warning: There are no fascinating pics on this post. Just a look back at one of the formative events of my life... And since I don't think I've ever really documented the events of that night, I'm taking that opportunity now. Sorry for the length!
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I would wager that, for most of you, Halloween 2003 was just another Halloween night - filled with costumes, fun, and candy. But Halloween 2003 was probably the most frightening night of my life... one that I will not soon forget.

Five years ago tonight, I left my husband.

I'd been preparing for it for weeks. I had been unhappy for most of the 3 years of our marriage, but I was committed to seeing it through - hoping every day that things would get better. For the 6 months prior to my leaving, I'd spent every fast Sunday praying that I could love him more or that I'd know what to do to fix things. Eventually, I started praying to know if I had done enough, so that I could be free to leave. Despite all my own suffering and the heartache of leaving my 3 stepkids, the final straw came when I realized that it was not ok to raise my daughter in that kind of an environment. I didn't want her to think that it was ok to treat other people with so little respect. And, likewise, I didn't want her to think that it was ok to let other people treat her with so little respect. So we had to go.


At the time, Chris was working the midnight shift at a local gas station, so when he'd leave for work, my night's work would just begin. Since I wasn't sure when or how my escape would happen, but I knew that it would likely be rushed, I started collecting and boxing things early. And on each box I wrote and circled a small red number - indicating the importance of that box. Thus, if I could only get one box out, I'd take box #1, if I could get 2 boxes, then #1 and #2, etc...

And since the basement often leaked and was thus acceptable only for storage use, I hid my boxes down there. And it was easy to explain away my new project if he saw anything... I was just "going through stuff" to remove clutter and de-junk. He abhorred clutter, so that worked fine. And he couldn't be bothered to check on boxes in the basement, so I wasn't too worried.

Now, Chris was scheduled to work on Halloween night, so I planned to meet my friend, Sarah, who would be visiting her parents in a nearby town. After some explanation about making sure that Hannah had fun and noting how long it had been since I'd seen Sarah and the kids, Chris approved it for me to take Hannah trick-or-treating with Sarah's kids and then spend the night with them at her parents' house, though this sort of thing would not normally be permitted. (Sarah was also my former VT companion in our Florissant, MO ward - before we moved to Tilden, IL.)

Now, Sarah and I had been planning my escape for a few weeks in advance, despite several hiccups along the way. She knew quite a bit about the situation with Chris and some of the abuse that had gone on, so when I told her that I was finally done and would be leaving him, she had offered to help in any way that she could. So here's the plan that we came up with:

- I'd go to work like normal, but bring a small suitcase (typical for an overnighter, so inconspicuous).
- Chris would bring Hannah to me at work, and Sarah would pick me and Hannah up from my work - halfway between her parents' home and my house in Tilden.
- Sarah and I would take the kids trick-or-treating like normal and then go back to her parents' home.
- We'd put the kids to bed and (try to) have a relaxing evening.
- Chris usually left for work around 10:30, so we'd wait until midnight to go back to my house.
- We'd leave the kids with Sarah's parents while we went back to my house to collect what we could.
- We'd collect everything and then go back to her parents' house to get everything sorted and situated.
- The next morning, Sarah would take me and Hannah to the St. Louis airport, where my parents had 2 tickets waiting for us - direct flights to Sacramento.
- And then Hannah and I would be safe, and free to start over.


My biggest fear came on Halloween day. I had gone to work like normal - with some extra items in my suitcase (glad he didn't go through my bag) - and had touched base with Sarah and my mom, to confirm that I was ready to go... I also informed my bosses at work, so that they would not be expecting me on Monday. The scary part came when I was waiting for Chris to bring Hannah to me. Sarah was already there, which meant that he was running late. I got really worried that he would know something was up and not bring her to me. Not just worried. I got panicky. Luckily, he showed up and we got her transferred over to Sarah's car with no problems. Chris told me later that he knew something was up when I just waved goodbye instead of giving him a hug and a kiss goodbye. Oh well - I couldn't fake it anymore.

So off we went. I was nervous the whole night, but more from anxious jitters than fear at that point. I was finally putting my plan into action - and taking action felt really good. I just wanted everything to go smoothly. Luckily, trick-or-treating in the cold October air of Illinois helped offer an easy excuse for my intermittent shaking. I remember that Hannah made quite a haul on the candy that night. She was not yet 2 and went dressed as a fuzzy bumble bee. And most people just ate it up!


Then it came time to put the kids to bed and start our evening plans. Luckily, the kids were pooped, so they all fell asleep pretty quickly and we started making some hot chocolate. Little did I know, but Sarah's parents had helped a few other women escape dangerous environments before. They were a great calming influence during the hours of waiting - and her dad even gave me a blessing, to help me feel safe and calm.

Once it got close to midnight, we started getting ready to go. I remember tucking Hannah in and then praying with all my might for Hannah's safety while I was gone, which could be a few hours with traveling. I remember asking that my Mom's parents could please come watch over her while she slept but that, if they were busy, any angels would do... Perhaps that seems silly, but I knew that G&G Hill would take care of her... which they did.

So I watched her sleep for a moment and then kissed her quickly and left with Sarah - praying that everything would go ok so that I could return to my little girl soon.


One stipulation that my parents made was that I not go back to my house in Tilden without the police. While I thought this was unnecessary and embarrassing, I had promised my parents that I would. So I called the local police department, and Deputy Bobby agreed to meet me and Sarah and accompany me to the house.

The real terror came when I pulled into the gravel driveway and saw that our van was still there. It was now past midnight and Chris hadn't gone into work yet. I considered abandoning the idea, and even made Sarah back up and pull down the street a bit. Deputy Bobby pulled up next to Sarah's van and asked me what the trouble was. I replied that Chris was still there... To which Officer Bobby asked, "Isn't that why I'm here?"

This was when I realized that I'd have to face my problem head on and let the chips fall where they may. So we went back and pulled into the driveway. I don't remember walking up to the back door (no one uses their front doors), but I remember having to push hard to get the door open. It always stuck. And then most everything else is kind of an out-of-body memory... like I'm watching another person's experiences...

I vaguely remember worrying about where Chris would be and what he would do. That worry was quickly put to rest when he stepped quickly toward the back door from the adjacent bathroom. Nude because he was about to take a bath, he came out with his fists up - ready to attack whoever was breaking into his house. And then it was almost sad. His fists dropped and I could see that he knew what was happening. He went back into the bathroom to put on some pajama pants, and then went into the living room.

The rest I just remember in pieces: I went into the basement to retrieve luggage and my boxes and Officer Bobby asked me if Chris had any weapons that he should be aware of. I didn't know where the machete and the baseball bat were (his preferred urban weapons - and probably next to the bed), but I didn't think they'd be a threat tonight... I remember gathering what I could - primarily Hannah's things and some of my clothes. I remember looking for Hannah's shoes and seeing them by Chris's feet, so I figured I'd get her new shoes. I remember leaving my yearbooks and photographs, and praying that Chris wouldn't burn them when I left. And I remember finding Sarah and Officer Bobby outside on one of my trips to the van. They were doubled over, laughing hysterically, because Chris was crying on the phone to his first wife, Chrissy. It was ironic and a bit laughable now, but I just hoped he wouldn't hear them laughing and decide to kill us all.

And I remember Chris's dejected realization that there was no guarantee that I'd be coming back. I'd told him that I wanted to leave a week or so before, and had gone through hell during that time - as he remembered and wanted to discuss many of the horrible things that he had done to me. I spent many sleepless nights telling him anything I could, just to make him stop. I'd managed to block a lot of those memories for a long time, so dredging all of it up again was fairly painful. And it was just a foreshadowing of the months to come: reliving old horrors in therapy, and saying anything that it took to get through the months of manipulative phone calls until the divorce was final.

After an hour or so of packing things up, I said goodbye to Chris, thanked Officer Bobby for his help, and Sarah and I drove back to her parents' house where I thanked Heavenly Father for watching over my sweet Hannah while I was away. I slept much better that night, but I could not relax until I was safe behind the security checks at the airport, and on my way home.

The next few months are fuzzy in my memory. But I remember the Maher ICU, where I was allowed to recover in peace. And where Hannah and I were fed regularly... They didn't like how skinny we'd both become. Now I long for those skinny (albeit malnutritioned and unhealthy) days.

And, believe it or not, I'm grateful for everything that I went through. I'm a stronger woman today because of it. And I got my angel Hannah from all of that - and I wouldn't trade a thing for her. And Chris and I are even friendly now - letting the past be the past...

I dare say that I've come a long way! (And so has he.)

I was TAGGED!

My sister Nancy tagged me on her blog today - with a game of 2 Truths and A Lie:

The rules...

1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 2 true facts about yourself and 1 lie.
3. Tag 4 people at the end of your post by including links to their blogs.
4. Have people guess which one out of the three is false.

Here are my 2 truths and a lie. Guess what you think is false... I'll confess what I have/have not done in a few days.

1. I've made porpoise love noises with a boy friend, while locked in the trunk of a moving car.
2. My first declared major was Fashion Merchandising, at BYU, hoping to have my own clothing line and boutique.
3. Me and some friends stole a flashing road sign in the cover of night and deposited it on the lawn of a friend we TP'd.

And here's who I'm tagging:

1. Amy
2. Mallory
3. Cindy
4. Jen

Can you spot my lie?

Rations

Sometimes, I give Hannah too much information. I'm willing to admit that. And now I'm getting to pay for it... by not getting to partake in some of my favorite beverages.

They have been replaced... by these:

Because THIS little person is rationing my caffeine intake...

For now, I'm allowed "2 Mommy-Cranky-Juices" (aka: caffeinated beverages) per day, but she was clear to specify that I can't carry unused "caffeines" over to the next day. The 2 that are currently allowed will drop to 1 in a couple of weeks, and then none. After which we will ween me off of soda altogether, using the same 2 to 1 to none method.

The only ration-free sodas for now are Sprite and some root beer. "But root beer is a lot like a caffeine, so you shouldn't have too many."

My available replacement beverages are milk, juice, and water - with an emphasis on juice and water. And I'm supposed to drink more water, even when I still get my 2 caffeines.

Now when did she get so smart? If it wasn't such a good idea, I'd tell her to knock it off...

Support our Troops!!!

There's not a lot that MTV does that I'd say is worthwhile, let alone support, but this is a rare gem. Our troops fight for our freedom... We need to support them in their service, and in their return to "normal" life!

Thank you to all our vets! We love you!!!

Choose or Lose

Halloween costume update

For those that don't know, Hannah was planning on being a rock star this year for Halloween.

Then, a couple weeks ago, she came to me and offered this argument: "Mommy (uttered a bit too disparagingly for my liking). Halloween is about dressing up as something that you're not in real life. (An astute observation for a 6-yr-old I thought.) But since I'm gonna be a rock star for real, I shouldn't dress up as one for Halloween. I think I should be a witch or a werewolf instead." I couldn't really argue with that logic, so I agreed to a change in costumes.

I gave it a solid week or so, asking her about it every couple of days, to see if she would change her mind. But the only thing that changed was that she decided to be a vampire instead of a witch. (The werewolf was out of the running as soon as she found out that it was more of a boy costume.)

So my little princess is going to be a vampire for Halloween. Is this some kind of evidence that she has a macabre sense of the world? Or is a fascination with biting people and sucking their blood normal for a 6-year-old?

I won't be this exact costume, so watch for pictures later!

Quite the coif!

Sometimes Hannah wakes up after I bring her downstairs on Tuesday nights. This is what she looked like last night... thanks to Ralph the Night-Hairdresser (and sleeping on Auntie Nancy's couch):

Sometime between 12:30 and 1:00am. Awesome.
Check out the eyes... Way too alert!

Wishes gone awry

The other day, Hannah and I were sitting on my bed - probably negotiating a bedtime - when we had this little interchange:

(I believe the conversation started by talking about spiders, which was apparently the subject of a former wish made on a star... That all of the spiders in the world would die. Have I mentioned that Hannah really dislikes spiders?)

H: But it hasn't happened yet.
M: (silently trying to conjure up a response)
H: I even waited 6 or 8 weeks, 'cuz you said some wishes take longer to come true.
M: Ok...
H: But it's been almost a year since I made that wish, and it still hasn't happened. I thought maybe after 8 months it would happen, but now it's been like 10 months.
M: (Still got nothin...)
H: I even said the whole poem!
M: Well, honey... Some wishes don't get to come true...
H: (ignoring me, and cutting me off) Maybe it was a world, and not a star.

I am sure that's what kept that wish from coming true (...not the fact that spiders are an unfortunate but essential part of the food chain).

Watch out, spiders, she's gonna locate a real star soon... And then it's GAME ON!

Friendship defined

Last night, roughly 3 hours past her bedtime (as usual), Hannah was regaling me with tales of friendship, merriment, and betrayal... Well, it was about her and 5 other 6-yr-old girls that are all "training" to be rock stars. Unfortunately, Hannah "had to kick one of the girls out of the group" because she sometimes liked to go play with the boys instead of practicing. The nerve! I mean, "we only have 3 recesses, and we're not in the same class, and not all of them go to Wunderkind (her daycare)." So, quite obviously, they should make good use of the time that they have together... But all of Hannah's yelling isn't making the other girls listen. (Don't worry - we talked about that part, too!) PS- I see trouble ahead for that other girl's parents... Already choosing boys over girlfriends...?

During this struggle with figuring out how to work with friends when things don't always go smoothly, Hannah offered this little nugget of wisdom about her friendship with one of the girls in the group:

"Camille thinks I'm a star. Not because I'm popular, but because of who I am. And I think Camille is a star, even though most people don't like her."

I've never been prouder.

I have a niece!!!

Hi friends! I am so excited to finally have a niece, so I have to brag a little... Mark & Ellie had little Sylvia Paige on Oct 6 at about 4:30 pm (California time). Even being 5 weeks early, she weighed in at 5 lbs 14 ounces, and 18 inches of cute. I had to steal this pic of her, but isn't she adorable!!!


Check out more pics on Paige's and Lenore's blogs... Thanks to Ellie's sisters for keeping us updated! We love you!

PS - I'm insanely jealous of all the Greenbaum doula's for getting to hold little Sylvie already!

Here are some more pics, courtesy of Paige and Nor:

Yes, Ellie is always this beautiful.

Mark, waiting...

Brand new Sylvie!

Mark and Ellie (still gorgeous after delivering), with their adorable new addition!

Welcome to the planet, Sylvie!!! We already love you!

Words from the wise (aka: Hannah)

As usual, Hannah and I were avoiding getting out of bed this morning, as that is quite obviously the most hateful part of the day... While I was trying to convince myself to get up and get ready, Hannah says, "Mommy... Since you're really smart, I'm gonna ask you a hard question."

Me: Ok. Ready.
Hannah: Does every single person fart at least once?
Me: Yep. [Considering that babies pass gas all the time, I think that covers it.]

a thoughtful pause...

H: Ok. I have an even harder one.
M: [awesome, because that last one was a bit of a gimme...]
H: When was John & Eve born?
M: Do you mean Adam & Eve?
H: Yeah.
M: [yep. good one. definitely harder.] I don't really know... We have recorded history that goes back several thousand years... So, before that.
H: (after a brief pause) Well I know when... 3,032 years ago.
M: (impressed, but expressionless) How do you know?

And then she just tapped her temple - as if to say, "It's all in here..."

You'd be surprised at everything that Hannah knows. I know I am... regularly! And I can't wait to find out what other gems are stored in that fabulous mind of hers...

Stay tuned!

When did I get old?

This last weekend, Hannah and I spent some time at Mom and Dad's house, just to get out of Dodge for a few days. Except Mom was on a business trip (still weird!), so it was Dad and Robin at home. At some point, Hannah decided to invite us all to play a quick game of Silly Dilly's with her. Just one problem: Dad and Robin have played and Hannah and I haven't. As a secondary issue, I've been experimenting with not just letting Hannah win. So I told Dad and Robin to play normal, which, unfortunately, they did. As a result, they had all the disks within 8 seconds, and Hannah and I may have had 3 between us. I didn't give a twit whether I had any disks, but Hannah broke down immediately.

As Hannah-tears contain the precise ingredients for clearing a room of Dad and Robin, Hannah and I had some alone-time to talk about it. She was sad that she didn't win, but mostly because she didn't know how to play the game and everyone else (ie: Dad and Robin) did. So I explained that it's just that they've played it before, when we hadn't... And not to worry about it too much. To which she responded, "Well, you have to remember that you guys are like a hundred, and I'm only 6!"

Since when??? Last I checked, I was 30. Now c'mon... Isn't that old enough for now?

Giving up

Do you ever get to that point where you just have nothing left to give and your world is falling apart around you? I'm there, and I can't win for losing.

Too good to be true

For those that don't know, I found a fabulous 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath townhome in Pleasant Grove that I was looking forward to moving into. I've needed a change in my life for a long time now, and this felt so right. It was perfect for me and Hannah. More room, a big kitchen with a dishwasher and a pantry. Plus, I'd be close to work, closer to school, and within 5 minutes of my girlfriend, Amy! Unfortunately, good things don't just happen for me... And, par for the course, this fell through. Apparently there's still something for me to learn/accomplish where I am at - which I can't even bring myself to think about right now. I have no energy or desire to learn a lesson, so I guess this one might take a while...

Hope you all are well.